The Horror, The Pain, The SLASH!
by rhovan
Summary: This is for everyone who has ever read REALLY BAD slash and wanted to rip out their own eyes, this is slash MY way. UPDATED Chapter 4 is up people. Read it.
1. We're JUST friends Alternate Title: The ...

The Horror, The Pain and the AHHHHHH!!! Slash.  
  
I know that the favorite parody subject of late is the ever-present evil: Mary-Sue(s). It is true; they are very, very, soul crushingly bad (so deserving of much flaming). However, I feel that there is another equally worthy genre. Bad slash, my God, when will it end?? There is only one evil that compares to Mary-Sues. It's BAD slash, scary, PWP slash, that, when it isn't Legolas/Aragorn *cough*beyond predictable*cough* it's non- sensesical Gandalf/Haldir awfulness, is a dark power that rivals that of the Mary-Sue. So, I give you Slash rhovan style, all will suffer..no one is safe. Written in character and in the style of the Lord of the Rings but ever torn apart by SLASH.  
  
It rated for language to come and more graphic imagery.  
  
Tolkien I thank you, I'll try to be nice to them and put them back when I'm done.  
  
The Voices  
  
It was a windy, chill night; there were fell voices in the air  
  
"LegolaslovesAragornLegolaslovesAragorn"  
  
The Fellowship shivered and drew closer to the fire. The night around them grew darker and more menacing. The clearing in which they huddled was filled with terrible voices. Voices that grew louder and more demanding with each passing moment.  
  
"SamandFrodoaremorethanjustfriendsSamandFrodoaremorethanjustfriends"  
  
The hissing words lapped at their ears, freezing their hearts.  
  
Boromir shuddered and turned to his Elven companion "What a twisted thought! What evil is this?" Legolas simply blanched, he knew well what was coming next. The whole of the Fellowship knew of the fate that such words held. This was the nine hundredth and eighty second time such voices had been heard over the course of their journey. It hardly seemed possible given that they had only left Rivendell four hours ago. The whole party was exhausted, this was evil they were unaccustomed to fighting.  
  
The voices in the air were trying to force them to do THINGS to one another and the voices never seemed to run out of ideas about how these THINGS could be done.  
  
"MerryandPippenlustforeachothersarmsMerryandPippenlustforeachothersarms"  
  
"Oh gross, for the love of Eru, we're related!!!" Merry groaned aloud "This is intolerable, Gandalf can't you throw a fireball at these voices. Or cast some kind of counter spell? Why do they keep coming back?"  
  
Gandalf looked weary "Meriadoc Brandybuck, do you think that throwing down thousands upon thousands of." his voice dropped to a whisper "'Authors' is as simple as throwing fireballs? This is an evil I have no power over"  
  
"TheRangereyedtheElfhungrilyWishingtofeelthesoftnessofhisflesh"  
  
Aragorn started and began looked ill  
  
"Does this mean that I'm going to try and rape/seduce/tie up/cuddle Legolas.. again?"  
  
Gandalf nodded "Or possibly Frodo but most likely the elf, yes."  
  
Aragorn sighed and turned to his ever-whitening friend  
  
" Sorry, nîn mellon. I mean I am sorry too about the other eight hundred times and seven times and sorry about this time and everything"  
  
The Company looked to Legolas, who was in the process of climbing the nearest tree.  
  
"I try not to take it personally Elessar" Legolas' voice held a timber of defeat "I cannot understand why when these voices carry in the air, you suddenly become stronger and faster than me. Why is it that I start to worry more about my hair? Why am I suddenly described with words like "soft" and "tasty"? I am not lembas. These are not things that are natural to me. By the Valar, can nothing stop this?"  
  
"Ai!" Pippin let out a yelp  
  
"Where's Frodo? Come to think of it where's Sam? And Boromir?" Pippin looked panicked "They were standing beside me here a moment ago"  
  
"Over here, I'm over here. HELP it's happening again!!!"  
  
Frodo was backed up against a tree, he had drawn Sting and was waving it feebly in front of himself. His eyes darted for side-to-side focusing first on Sam who approached him from the right then on Boromir who crept up from the left  
  
"HELP, Oh Eru not again"  
  
Sam's face was contorted; he seemed to be having some sort of battle with his own body. His upper half clutching at his legs as he advanced on his master  
  
"Run Mr. Frodo! Run I can't hold them for much longer!!"  
  
Boromir had himself wrapped around a rock and held Gimli's axe in his hand "Perhaps if I cut off my own legs this madness will stop."  
  
"Get back, stay away.." Frodo's eyes glazed over "Oh Sam I'm SO glad you're here with me.." Then his head snapped up "No, NO not again."  
  
The Voices came faster and more insistently now.  
  
"AragornwantedLegolasHismanhoodburnedfortheelf"  
  
Legolas, up in the tree, began to wonder: If he jumped would the fall kill him? Aragorn went red and moved to cover his sudden "happiness" with a shield.  
  
"Aragornyoumanlythingyouremoveyourshirtandwhileyou'reatitgetridofLegolas'sas well"  
  
Aragorn's hands move to the front of his tunic  
  
"Leggy, I would have you here hard and fast, I mean.No by the Valar NO! Master Elf I suggest you remain in the tree, I am not myself. Gandalf? GANDALF?."  
  
"GandalfandtheElvenLordsittinginatreeK-I-S-S-I-N-G"  
  
Gandalf was too busy looking lustily at a very scared Elrond who, it seemed, had appeared out of nowhere to heed Aragorn's pleas. Gandalf moaned something that sounded very much like "Oh Rondi, yeah." and began to stroll seductively toward the Elf Friend, throwing off his robes.  
  
Elrond drew his sword and implored of Gandalf "Come no closer, Mithrandir, I warn you come no closer!"  
  
Elrond backed shakily towards the woods.  
  
The moment the Elf Lord looked like he might actually use his weapon on the now half naked wizard, Gandalf found his legs had been pulled out from under him; he landed heavily on the forest floor. The dwarf, the only one of the company who was largely unaffected by the voices (there was only one white chocolate body paint and strawberries almost encounter between himself and Legolas to speak of) had tripped him. Gimli planted a foot on Gandalf's chest to stop him from getting to his feet.  
  
"This is getting ridiculous! We'll never be able to destroy the ring if this continues happening! Sauron will win and Middle-Earth will fall."  
  
Gandalf fixed his eyes on Gimli's boot and drew in a sharp breath.  
  
"It passes, the voices are quieted for the moment. This cannot continue, we have not the strength to continue in this manner."  
  
The voices were no longer compelling anyone to remove their clothing.  
  
Frodo sheathed Sting, Aragorn stood up and Elrond disappeared, as suddenly as he had appeared, in a small cloud of smoke.  
  
"Friend, come down from the tree" Aragorn called to Legolas, straining to see the Elf in the foliage  
  
"No, No sir I am quite comfortable in my perch. I will remain aloft for now" Legolas climbed a little higher  
  
Aargorn turned to the wizard, who was struggling with his robes  
  
"Gandalf what are these attacks? For they are truly perilous, especially it seems for Legolas. He and Frodo are most often at the center of these spells. They must be stopped. They fill my mind will strange urges."  
  
Gandalf shook his head " You are, of course, right Aragorn, son of Arathorn, but I know not how. They are random and powerful, we are puppets."  
  
Aragorn eyes glassed over  
  
"It's true, I love Arwen, I mean she gave up her immortality for me and I love her but EVERY time those voices sound. I start thinking 'Legolas, mmmm, have to get me some of that' or 'Frodo, he's about waist height, isn't he?' This is intolerable, I love Arwen. Really, a lot." His eyes came into focus again "Do you not see? My very speech is changed!"  
  
Aragorn looked at the Fellowship imploringly. Boromir nodded vigoriously as if to say "I'm right there with you, brother"  
  
Legolas, who was now standing behind the tree, peeking around it, tired to look sympathetic, failed and when back to just looking pallid.  
  
"Maybe if we ask these *authors* nicely they'll just leave us alone so we can save the world. Do you think that would work? What is an 'Au-ou-th-err' anyway? Do they work for Sauron? Like the Nazgûl?" Pippin looked confused.  
  
"Maybe" chimed in Merry " We could just tie up Aragorn, Boromir and Sam and keep them as far away from myself, Pippin, Frodo and Legolas as possible for the rest of our journey."  
  
"MERRY" came the angry cry of his fellows. Merry blushed.  
  
"I'm just trying to be helpful! You think of something then and fast because it's going to happen again, I just know it"  
  
Gandalf nodded and began heavily.  
  
'Authors, Pippin, are malevolent beings with too much spare time that get their jollies out by writing magical tales called 'fanfictions'. These 'fics" are the most terrible and irresistible of spells. Some of them contain the foulest abominations of the tongues of men. They are filled with things called 'plot holes' thought what a 'plot' is I know not. I believe it is some manner of whip or perhaps a mace. They are over fond of Elves it seems and especially of Legolas. But no being of Middle-Earth is safe for their fearsome attentions. They will be our greatest obstacle on this quest"  
  
Dawn had begun to creep over the hills and the darkness gave way to a pale gray light.  
  
Boromir leapt to his feet "We tarry too long here, we must cover as much ground as possible before IT happens again. We're never going to get anywhere if Legolas has to climb a tree every ten minutes."  
  
Aragorn took up his sword " Boromir is right, we must keep our minds on the deed at hand. We will go onward till the next fell voices sound. But seriously, Gandalf, please try and think of an answer because one of these times we're going to be in a meadow or something and there won't be any trees for Legolas to climb."  
  
The company resumed their march Eastward, their eyes heavy with lack of sleep but their ears straining for any trace of the Authors' voices on the winds..  
  
How far will the Fellowship get before the Authors get them again? And what evil Slash or romance torture will be inflicted on them? All I can say is "PLOT, WHAT PLOT?!?"  
  
This is only going to get worst.tune in next time for "Why would I want Legolas' rooster?" When another elf makes a surprise guest appearance.out of nowhere.  
  
Praise, criticism, it's all in good fun 


	2. What would I want with Legolas' rooster?...

As promised, Chapter Two complete with guest appearance.  
  
Tolkien: I thank you and will play nice (kind of)  
  
Chapter Two:  
  
What Would Anyone Want with Legolas' Rooster? Alternate title: Elf on Elf?  
  
The wind picked up in the cool of the early, early morning. No birds sang and the forest remained in deep in shadow. The Fellowship had not yet traveled even a league from the clearing when another wave of whispers over took them. At first only Legolas, with his superior elven hearing could perceive the growing threat. He turned first to his companions  
  
"The Voices return! Steel yourself to the madness will be upon us soon!"  
  
And then, in a single fluid movement, sought shelter once again among the lower boughs of a near by tree.  
  
"To me Frodo, to me Pippin and Merry" Gandalf cried, seeking to separate the little folk for the men, for the sake of their safety.  
  
Boromir's eyes widened  
  
"Listen!"  
  
Aragorn stopped, statue still, waiting. Suddenly, there were hundreds and thousands of voices howling around them. Sam, Pippin and Merry hid behind Gimli and the Voices grew.  
  
"LegolastookHaldir'shandguidingittohisthrobbingelfhood"  
  
"AragornstoodoverBoromir,eyesglinting,cockerectashepushedhisslaveforward"  
  
"FrodomoanedagainstLegolas'kissseekingtorubhimselfagaintheelfswillingflesh"  
  
And thousands more foul thoughts carried like a pestilence on the very air  
  
"It's horrible," whimpered Pippin, opening his eyes. They were met by a scene the pain and confusion of which, he would carry to the end of his days.  
  
Merry opened and closed his mouth once and then twice, then fainted. Gimli's eyes bulged, he gasped:  
  
"Gandalf, what has happened to them?"  
  
Gandalf had no answer.  
  
Gimli blinked as if to clear his eyesight.  
  
"What manner of garb does Aragorn wear?"  
  
Aragorn, future King of Gondor, stood before the Fellowship wearing full dominatrix gear. He was dressed as a Mistress of Pain to the smallest detail. In his hand, in place of the great sword Narsil, was a seven-foot studded bullwhip. Aragorn, the future Leader of Middle Earth, was wearing six-inch patent leather stilettos and a corset.  
  
It took the Ranger a moment to realize the changed that had over taken him, as he did, a look of pure, unadulterated horror spread over his features, he turned to run from his friends. Unfortunately Strider had no practice fleeing in six-inch heels and so fell flat on his face.  
  
The Voices implored  
  
"Boromirgaspedenjoyingthekissofthewhiponhisfleshwishingthat hisloverwouldgranthimrelease"  
  
Aragorn groaned, "What is this torture? Boromir? How fare thee my brother?"  
  
Until this point Gandalf and Gimli had been so transfixed by Aragorn's bizarre transformation they had not noticed the son of the Steward of Gondor.  
  
"Aragorn, I feel I am pulled at by invisible strings.."  
  
Boromir's eyes slipped out of focus "I tremble for your touch, Mistress"  
  
He moaned breathily. As Boromir said this he wiggled closer to the prone Aragorn. The Fellowship was aghast. Boromir was clad only in leather g- string and his hands were manacled behind his back.  
  
"Oh my Eru!" Gandalf turned his head "I feel I may be ill."  
  
Aragorn was doing his best to get to his feet  
  
"Boromir, do you not remember yourself? Remove your head from my leg, Boromir, NO!"  
  
Boromir cast his eyes downward "I'm sorry, Mistress. I've been a very naughty boy and you should punish me. Very, very hard"  
  
With these words he wiggled his leather strapped buttocks in the air.  
  
Aragorn made one last desperate attempt to get to his feet. He scrambled up and took several steps forward before falling, once more, on his face.  
  
"Mistress" crooned Boromir, still wiggling  
  
Aragorn looked on the verge of screaming " Gandalf, Gimli. I beg you come to my aid. Please Boromir is under the thrall of the Authors! HELP ME!"  
  
Gimli hung back but after a moment he and Gandalf pulled Aragorn to his feet and the three stumbled a little ways from Boromir, who was still wiggling and cooing at Aragorn from the dirt.  
  
The Voices did not wane; they continued filling the ears of the Fellowship with suggestions regarding "positions"  
  
Legolasbrushedhislipsagainstthefulllipsofthemaleelfbeforehim  
  
During Aragorn's attempts to flee from Boromir, Pippin had been trying to revive his unconscious cousin.  
  
"Merry, wake up. Wake UP!" Pippin shook Merry gently. Merry's eyes fluttered and Pippin shook him harder. Then he froze. From behind him came a muffled moan.  
  
"I have seen you watching me, Haldir" Came the lusty, sing-song voice of Legolas, who had left his vantage point in the tree and was now running his fingers through the hair of a very distressed Haldir, the elf like Elrond before him, appeared out of nowhere.  
  
Pippin's eyes widened as Legolas' long fingers disappeared under the edge of the other elf's tunic.  
  
Haldir was struggling to free himself but Legolas had him pinned to a tree. Haldir looked around wildly.  
  
"Prince! Recover your dignity! What sorcery is this?" Haldir's protests where cut short by Legolas' attempt to kiss him.  
  
"Ai! Has Arda gone insane? Touch me not! I warn you, Prince of Mirkwood, leave THAT be" Haldir's eyes went wide.  
  
Legolas' eyes refocused for a moment  
  
"Haldir?" He seemed startled "Where came you from?"  
  
Legolas looked down at his hand and then at Haldir again "Varda!" He let out a howl and threw himself backward. Haldir used this opportunity to draw his bow. The Prince of Mirkwood regained his feet quickly and just as quickly the haze over took his eyes.  
  
"Ai, I see you would play Mighty Warrior and Elvish Princess.."  
  
Legolas licked his lips flirtatiously.  
  
Haldir's eyes grew wider and Pippin and the, by now recovered, Merry ran towards Legolas to prevent him for being shot. They were intercepted by a very flushed, shirtless Frodo, who called to the elf:  
  
"My Prince, fear not! I am coming"  
  
With these words Frodo dove at Legolas and they both sprawled backward. Frodo straddled "his prince's" chest and began to unlace the leather throng that held the elfs' tunic together.  
  
"My, you are a beautiful creature" Frodo purred.  
  
The shock of Frodo's tackle seemed to have cleared Legolas' head permanently for he was now struggling to flip the hobbit off his chest. Having successfully disentangled himself from Frodo, he leapt again into the safety of branches of the nearest tree.  
  
Pippin and Merry each took two of Frodo's limbs holding him still on the ground. They could not, however, cover his mouth and so stop the lewd string of suggestions that poured forth.  
  
"Hold me TIGHTER, cousins! Like that, oh yeah"  
  
"Gandalf!" Pippin looked frantically around for the wizard. His eyes rested on Gandalf's attempts to keep Boromir at bay and also on Gimli who was acting as a crutch for the shoe crippled Aragorn.  
  
Haldir's eyes were blazing  
  
"What is happening? By what witchcraft have I been abducted from my realm, only to be most horrendously abused in this fashion? I would put arrows in you all, you manner of foulest beasts, you.."  
  
The Fellowship never found out what manner of beasts they were, for Haldir vanished before their eyes.  
  
The Voices had once again faded into nothing.  
  
Boromir lay on the ground; dressed again in the manner of men. His eyes cleared and then bulged in realization. He reached for his sword.  
  
"The shame! I will fall upon my sword before I live through such humiliation again"  
  
He moved to impale himself, as he did so Gimli kicked the weapon from his hand and grabbed the man about the collar hauling him to his feet.  
  
"Son of Gondor, you will do yourself no harm for deeds that were not of your own making."  
  
Gandalf nodded "Boromir, be not ashamed. Aragorn does not begrudged you" The wizard turned to Aragorn, who was now also rightly clothed in the garments of men. He put up a hand.  
  
"Boromir, let us never speak of this again."  
  
"AARRRRRR!" The scream shocked them to their cores and they looked to see Frodo, who had just at that moment regained his senses. "Legolas, I am so sorry, I was not in my right mind.."  
  
Merry and Pippin relaxed their grip and allowed the Ringbearer to get to his feet.  
  
Aragorn looked around "Where is Legolas?"  
  
"Where is my shirt?" Frodo whimpered  
  
Gimli gestured up the tree " I know the answer to the first question. Aloft, again." Gimli called from the base of Legolas' oak "Master Elf take leave of your tree"  
  
There was only silence as an answer. Then a shaking of leaves and a soft thump as Legolas jumped from above.  
  
"THIS MUST STOP!" The elf's eyes flashed with a blinding light. " HALDIR!?! By the Valar, we cannot continue in this manner. My dignity was almost permanently compromised."  
  
The elf was snow white in the face and the group could see his anger boiling just below the surface.  
  
Gandalf placed a hand on his shoulder "You are right, Legolas! Calm yourself, take a moment to collect your thoughts."  
  
Frodo, having recovered his tunic from a near by branch, cleared his throat softly and began  
  
"Gandalf? This evil grows, the demands of the Voices become more insistent and bizarre. I have only a little strength to fend them off. This past episode I found my body was no longer my own and my mind was consumed with thoughts of Legolas and his cock.."  
  
Frodo turned to the elf  
  
" Friend, doth thou possess a cock?"  
  
Legolas looked confused "No! No, have you seen a rooster? I have no hidden fowl in my pack."  
  
Frodo's brow creased "I thought not. What then..?" The hobbit trailed off.  
  
Legolas' eyes were slightly panicked " What would anyone want of me and a rooster?"  
  
The Fellowship was silent for a moment. They were all puzzled by the cock reference.  
  
Merry was the first to speak " What are we going to do? We have only moved a stone's throw for our camp last night. We will never reach Mordor."  
  
Pippin, who had been deep in thought, spoke up  
  
" Gandalf? Why do these Authors continue to do this? Why do they not grow tired of our torment? If they don't work for Sauron, why would they want Middle-earth to fall into shadow? What evil do the Authors serve?"  
  
Gandalf looked troubled " Pippin, these are difficult questions and I fear I do not have the answers that you seek. I only know that the motivation of the Authors is amusement. They enjoy our pain, it seems, for they serve no dark gods and have only the power of the "fanfiction" at their call. No, Pippin, I am not sure why this happens but it may have something to do with some sorcery known as a "film". This "movie" has terrible power in the world of the Authors; they flock to a dark room to worship pictures that have life. They call the place they hold this twisted ritual a "Cineplex". There is no reason behind their madness. The evil simply is."  
  
Gandalf sighed  
  
A sorrow fell on the Fellowship, this was evil greater than even that which grew in the Shadow of Mount Doom.  
  
Then Gimli let out a shout " Hey! We will not be broken under the weight of this burden. We must find a way to resist"  
  
Legolas' eyes swirled blue then brown, "You are right, Master Dwarf, let us not be bowed by this threat. Come, we must press on."  
  
Gandalf nodded "You are right but first I'm afraid we must take precautions.." The Company looked at one another in confusion. Frodo scratched his head  
  
"What do you mean, Gandalf?"  
  
"I mean this time we will follow the suggestion of Meriadoc. Come Gimli help me bind the men and.."  
  
Sam who had remained quiet since the first stirrings of the disturbance, gulped.  
  
"Me too, Gandalf? I was fine this time." Sam looked hopeful but the wizard shook his head  
  
"I'm sorry Sam, you too"  
  
So Aragorn, Boromir and Sam where bound at the wrist. They did not protest but insisted that all should be on alert. To be caught with one's hands tied behind one's back by a dozen or more orcs would end all their troubles with the Voices.  
  
"Forward, To Mordor" And the Fellowship set out for the second time in fifteen minutes. Gandalf and Gimli at the head and the hobbits at the rear. They watched the woods carefully but listened hardest for the Voices that they knew would carry again on the wind all too soon.  
  
Meanwhile in Mordor..  
  
Sweet angry jesus, you think that being a Dark Lord is all flame eyes and bringing of Doom? Not if the Authors have anything to say about it. Next time on 'The Horror, the Pain and the Slash' (tHtPtS): Saruman is visiting his Master in Mordor and suddenly the air is filled with voices..hmmm. The next chapter "Oh, Saruman, my Eye is flaming with..LOVE?!?" OH MY GOD WHEN WILL IT END???????????????  
  
Review or don't, I never force anyone against their will. (I'm teasing I LOVE reviews, REVIEW DAMN YOU!!!) *gigglez* thanks 


	3. Oh Saruman! My Eye is Flaming with LOVE!...

People seem to be enjoying this. So I'll keep going until you get sick of me. But be warned this isn't going to be pretty.  
  
Tolkien: forever grateful and I'll try not to hurt anyone ( I make no promises though)  
  
Chapter 3: "Oh, Saruman my eye is flaming with... LOVE!" Alternate title: "Redecorating Rivendell?"  
  
Meanwhile in Mordor..  
  
High on Mount Doom, amidst the foul vapors of a dying land, the eye of Sauron strained, searching. All his will bent on taking back that which had, so long ago, been ripped from him. His spirit was tortured by their separation and the whole of Middle-Earth would suffer ten fold for his long years of torment. The eye strained and quietly, lost in the vapors, whispers arose and began to strengthen. Sauron felt something deep in his mind begin to stir.  
  
Saruman... He was such a nice, evil partner and kind of cute...  
  
Saruman kicked the orc that lounged before the door to his Lord's inner chamber. He snarled as the creature growled.  
  
In the deep, the Voices rose to a gentle cajoling.  
  
"Get up cur, the King of Darkness has summoned his most faithful servant. I would see him now." The sentence was punctuated by several more sharp kicks. The orc moved to the door, slowly the iron-shod entrance crept open. Saruman slipped through into the sinister darkness beyond. He stood in the dank room and the silence around him was absolute. The White Wizard knelt and placed his forehead on the cold stones.  
  
"You have called and I have come, Master. I await your command, all that I am is yours"  
  
Saruman waited, not breathing. The moment drew out, seconds became minutes and then in a hot, blinding flash: The Eye Sauron hovered above him and a thousand unearthly voices filled his ears.  
  
SauronlovedSarumanhesimplycouldn'tdecidehowtotellhim.  
  
"Arise Saruman, I would look upon your charming countenance."  
  
Saruman stood before the Eye, gazing into fire. His brow knitted; surely his eyes must deceive him... It could not be that the Master of Evil... Saruman looked hard at the flaming eye, there could be no mistake. Sauron, the Embodiment of Evil, appeared to be wearing false eyelashes. Saruman began to grow afraid.  
  
"My Lord, I... am yours to command."  
  
Sauron voice trembled.  
  
"Oh Saruman, do you really mean that? Because I've been hurt before and I mean I know I'm just an eye and everything. But true love conquers all, we could make it work."  
  
"Yes, of course torture and destroy the Ringbearer. Wait, Pardon me?"  
  
"I've always had these feelings."  
  
Saruman began to wonder if the pain of being separated from the ring had driven his Lord insane. Or perhaps he, himself had lost his mind. The eye was in love? That was ridiculous, with whom? That was also ridiculous. True love wasn't evil. They were evil, it was what they did, evil stuff, like betraying and plundering. Lost in thought Saurman puzzled over this turn of events. Then one thing became glaringly clear. It dawned on Saruman exactly WHO it was that the Eye loved.  
  
"My Lord what madness is this? The ring grows ever closer. Are you feeling ok?"  
  
"I've never felt better and the only ring I want is a wedding ring, with hearts on it or possibly teddy bears. Power and world domination are so empty. It's YOU I really want Saruman, more than anything. I've realized that all this "King of Doom, Lord of Pain" stuff is just over compensation for my lack of self-esteem. I don't believe I'm good enough to deserve love. I want you to help me help myself. My eye is flaming with LOVE, you sexy Wizard, you! Kiss me, Saruman!!"  
  
Saruman froze. His Lord was obviously insane "Help me, help myself?!?" But to defy was death. There was some deep magic at work here. There was only one thing that he could do. Stall  
  
"But my Lord you are made of flame and have no lips, where shall I...Um... kiss you?"  
  
Saruman smiled to himself sure that this question would be his salvation. Sauron purred at his beloved.  
  
"Have no fear, my love! You will kiss the mouth of Sauron for now!"  
  
Out of the shadows stepped a cringing, armored man. He approached Sauron's "Love".  
  
It was then that Saruman began to scream...  
  
______________________________________  
  
The morning turned warm, the sun streamed through the leaves and birds had begun to twitter. Legolas was listening hard. Nothing, the air was quiet save the birds' songs. Then the woods around them stirred. A sickening smell met Legolas' sensitive nose. The elf turned on his heel.  
  
"Gimli" he cried. "Release the men, there are Orcs in these woods or I'm a fool."  
  
The dwarf, who heard and smelt nothing, knew better than to question. With a swift slice of his dagger freed both Aragorn and Boromir.  
  
"Friends, Legolas senses trouble! (A/N: Legolas got Spidey sense;) Draw your swords and find stout hearts, battle approaches us from the east. Pippin! Cut Sam's bonds and then you four be on most careful guard."  
  
Gimli hefted his axe and crouched low to the ground, finding his place beside the two humans and behind the archer of their Company. Gandalf drew Glamdring and turned his back toward the backs of his companions. The Fellowship stood in a circle so there was no blind spot for the enemy to exploit.  
  
Frodo's eyes darted through the under brush. There was a flash of black metal and then the sound of wood splintering. Terrifying howls and chilling speech, the enemy was upon them!  
  
The battle that followed was gruesome. Aragorn moved with the speed and strength of ten men, Orcs falling before him like leaves in the autumn. Boromir and Gimli fought back to back until there was a pile of the foul soldiers surrounding them. Legolas emptied his quiver, each arrow finding it target until he too was surrounded by the dead. The clash of metal and the screams of the dying and wounded drowned out the sound of Voices.  
  
Hissing and whispering Voices which began to grow.  
  
Legolascouldn'tbelievewhathadhappenedhesatdownandbegantocry  
  
FrodoandSamwerereadytotakethenextstep.Theywerereadytocommitfortherestoftheir lives.  
  
The hobbits were fighting in a tight knot. Gandalf stood to their right and he slew many of the Orcs' numbers. The Fellowship was victorious.  
  
A cry in the Black Speech went up suddenly and as quickly as it had begun the battle was over. The living goblins fled into the woods, running for their pathetic lives, they knew the battle was lost.  
  
Aragorn was the first to leap after the deserters, bent on pursuing them and destroying the last of the rank. Boromir followed him closely. Legolas, who had drawn his two long knives, over took them. They caught up quickly with the fleeing Orcs and the battle was renewed, Gimli tore up from behind, crashing through the brush and with a mighty cry chopped the head from the shoulders of the closest orc. As the head went flying, another orc had at him from the side, before he had the opportunity to turn, it laid a long wound upon his arm. The orc paid for the insult with its life and Gimli, enraged turned to his fellows to aid them.  
  
This time the battle was truly over, Aragorn pulled his sword from the chest of the last of the goblin company. There was silence for a long moment and then out of silence there came a great rush of sound. The battle was over but the war with evil raged on.  
  
GandalfcoundfinallyadmitthathetruelylovedCeleborn  
  
"Legolassmiledandbentdowntopickaprettydaisy."  
  
"The Voices are upon us!" Aragorn looked around wildly at the other three "I apologize in advance!"  
  
The Voices grew louder and there were too many to be discerned. Aragorn shut his eyes and waited. After several minutes, he cautiously opened one eye and then the other. Strange, no embarrassing erection, he didn't have the urge to remove any clothing; he was still wearing pants and only carrying a sword... He looked at Boromir who was still standing with eyes shut.  
  
"Boromir? Are you yourself?" Aragorn held his breath and waited.  
  
"I seem to be secure in my senses, Gimli how fare you, good dwarf?"  
  
"I stand among the bodies of my foe, and save a tiny scratch, am whole. I feel ONLY the joy of victory. The Voices have not touched me!" The dwarf smiled; perhaps the thrall of the Voices was wearing thin. They all seemed to be fine in spite of continued howling in their ears.  
  
The dwarf's smiled faded as a wet sniffing sound emerged from behind him. The sound grew louder and wetter.  
  
"Where is Legolas?" Gimli enquired cautiously. The three automatically looked up, expecting to see their friend perched in one of the trees. The boughs were empty.  
  
"I'm over HERE" Legolas sobbed. Boromir, Gimli and Aragorn turned to meet a very unusual sight.  
  
The Prince of Mirkwood was sitting on the ground about three ells away, cradling his quiver, crying like a child and wiping his nose on his sleeve. His tears left salty tracks down his porcelain cheeks and there was a growing wet patch on the front of his tunic.  
  
"Master Elf, are you taken of a hurt?" Aragorn was worried he'd lived in Rivendell for close to thirty-five years and he'd NEVER seen a male elf cry. Perhaps Legolas was hurt to death.  
  
"I'm not PHYSICALLY wounded if that what you mean. But those Orcs!!!" Legolas broke into fresh, bone wracking sobs.  
  
Gimli jumped to his friends side "What Legolas? What have the Orcs done to you?"  
  
The elf looked up at Gimli with sodden eyes and snuffed  
  
"They put a HUGE scratch on my quiver!" His friends' eyes nearly popped. Aragorn was first to speak.  
  
"Legolas you do us a disservice! Shame, sir we thought you dying!"  
  
"You weep over your quiver? Master Elf, this foolishness becomes you not!" Gimli shook his head; he'd never seen the equal, a scratched QUIVER?  
  
Legolas scrambled to his feet " I KNEW you wouldn't understand, not one of you is sensitive to my needs as an archer. I LIKE this quiver. It brand NEW. You're all pigs! You don't care about my feelings!"  
  
Gimli backed away from Legolas slowly " I don't think Legolas is feeling well. The Voices have changed his nature. He behaves like a spoiled child and an insane woman combined."  
  
It was true, Legolas had been transformed from the wise, reserved and valiant warrior that he, in reality, was into a...flaky wuss. His friends looked on, worried, as he used the corner of his cloak to polish out the scratch on his quiver. His head snapped up at Gimli's comment.  
  
"THAT is SO like you, isn't it? You're just like Elrond! NO ONE cares about my feelings. This is just like that time about seven hundred years ago. When Elrond was going to redecorate Rivendell and I had some very valid suggestions about sponge painting and he was all, like, Blah, Blah, Blah nine thousand years old, Lord of an Elf realm, Mr. 'I can pick my own accent color'. He was utterly insensitive to my interior design suggestions and was totally dismissive of that decorating course I took at Lothlorien's Community College. You are all the same. You don't care that I'm hurting, you talk like I'm not even here." Legolas' rant was cut short went he was over whelmed by a fresh batch of tears.  
  
As the Elf was once again consumed with his "pain" his companions began to edge away in the opposite direction.  
  
"I think Legolas has gone insane" Boromir shook his head " He sounds like a woman I use to take dancing back in Minas Tirith and I can guarantee she was insane." He shuttered. Aragorn was sweating.  
  
"What are we going to do with him? We have to go back and find Mithrandir and the hobbits. They may need our help. He's useless in this condition."  
  
Gimli was watching Legolas carefully. The elf had stopped crying and had sat back down. He was now braiding bits of stick into his hair and singing softly to himself.  
  
"It's getting worse." Gimli groaned as he watched his friend use the blunt edge of a knife to push back his cuticles.  
  
Aragorn fell silent for a moment. His mouth set itself into a line.  
  
"We must move. Legolas' affliction cannot keep us from our other companions. Gimli, get him up."  
  
Gimli scowled and stalked over to his crazed friend.  
  
"Have you seen any flowers around here?" Legolas looked hopeful "I want to put them in my hair, I think they'd be pretty. Much nice than sticks, don't you think? Do you like my hair this color? I'm thinking of putting a henna rinse in it. You know for a change, what do you think Gimli?" Legolas batted his eyelashes and twirl a piece of hair around the tip of his finger.  
  
The dwarf was wary; he'd heard this kind of riddle before. From a human female, if he wasn't mistaken. This might be a trap. The elf might start CRYING again.  
  
"Suuuuure, that would be nice, very nice" Gimli cleared his throat "Get you up Master Elf, we must away." Legolas smiled and cooed  
  
"Where? Are we going on a picnic? Or to the mall, I love the tunics this year. Green is SO my color" Then he frowned, Gimli winced and waited for tears. Legolas looked like he was thinking hard. "Wait ! I don't wanna run around, I'll get all sweaty and my hair'll get mussed. I'm going to have a bubble bath instead of going shopping. Okey dokey? I LOVE bubbles! We can give each other facials!"  
  
Gimli frowned as well, Did elves even sweat? " A what? To where?"  
  
He reached down to pull Legolas to his feet, as he did so there was a high- pitched scream. Aragorn and Boromir nearly jumped out of their skins.  
  
"What!?!" They cried rushing to Gimli's aid.  
  
Legolas turned white and screamed again, pointing at Gimli's injured arm " BLOOD" and then the Prince among Elves fainted dead away. Gimli was exasperated. He was getting frustrated with this foolishness. He took Legolas around the waist and threw the elf over his left shoulder.  
  
"Let's move out!" he grunted, shifting his friend's weight to get a better grip. Aragorn looked uncertain.  
  
"Should we not try and wake him?" Gimli sighed "Why? So he can begin to cry again? So he can call us insensitive pigs? So he can find flowers for his hair? So we can go 'shopping'?"  
  
Aragorn nodded, Gimli had a point. "While this lasts, it is true Legolas is much more pleasant unconscious. Very good Master Dwarf, we must find the others." He picked up Legolas' pack, it was strangely light, he slung it over his shoulder. Strider called to Boromir. "Take the front, Friend and be watchful, we will need all the warning we can get if there are more Orcs about."  
  
The three set out in the direction from which they'd come. Legolas' hair dragged in the leaf litter, his head bouncing against Gimli's knee. The Voices continued to rustle in the trees. Quiet but constant. Boromir wondered what horror might await them when they found the rest of their company. What evil had the Authors inflicted on the remaining five? Boromir shivered, thinking of his own experiences and walked on.  
  
What is waiting??? Nothing that makes sense, that's for damn sure! The madness will only be greater and more cringe worthy. Run, mortals. Run now before it's too late, AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Next time on tHtPtS: Two weddings, a flower arrangement and an unwilling Bridesmaid. It all coming up as well as another Elven cameo in: "But Seriously, Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?" Alternate title " I Can't Believe You Think Sam is Cuter Than ME!". Check it out.  
  
A/N: I would like to thank Chris who inspired me to make Legolas cry and S.C: your review makes me blush *squeals and explodes*. It's high praise from one so funny. Spastic Pen MUST POST MORE SOON. Thanks to everyone else who reviewed; what would I do without the ego trip?;)  
  
REVIEW OR DIE!! *gigglez* 


	4. I Need You, I Want You, Marry Me and Mak...

Glad this continues to please. Ok, this is less a chapter, more an interlude. This is NOT "But Seriously, Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?" nor is it "I Can't Believe You Think Sam Is Cuter Than ME!". This, my friends, is "I Need You, I Want You, Marry Me and Make Me the Happiest Hobbit That Ever Lived!" Alternate title: "So Who's Going to the Wear Pants?". It might also be called an exercise in insanity. *crazy giggle*  
  
Tolkien: You rule, man, love ya and will return them only a little molested;)  
  
And now...  
  
Chapter (not really, more of an interlude) 4  
  
Gandalf watched Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas and Gimli tear after the fleeing Orcs. He let his eyes follow them a moment and then turned to assure himself that the four hobbits were unharmed.  
  
"Good fight, my boys! Well played all around." Gandalf crowed. The hobbits beamed at the wizard's praise, proud that they had made a good showing in their first real battle. Pippin had several deep scratches and Merry's cloak was torn were an Orc had slashed at his back but aside from that there were no casualties to speak of.  
  
Sam and Frodo looked around cautiously before sheathing their swords and letting out a loud cry.  
  
"Did you see that Gandalf?" Sam was grinning broadly at his companions "Did ya see Mr. Frodo? How they ran?" Frodo grinned back, then a tight, worried look spread across his delicate features.  
  
"Gandalf? Do you suppose Aragorn and the others will catch up with the last of the goblins before they can get back to where ever they came from?"  
  
Gandalf patted Frodo on the back reassuringly. The wind came faster, playing in Frodo's dark curls and across his slender cheek.  
  
Gandalf smiled at the Ringbearer's concern for his fellows.  
  
"Legolas can run like a leaf driven before a storm and Aragorn could track a mouse at midnight. Boromir and Gimli are strong and brave as elves and kings." Gandalf winked and his smile grew warmer "They will be fine, Frodo. Come, let us have some small morsel to eat and so pass the time pleasantly. It is well deserved."  
  
"Right, second breakfast. Excellent idea." Pippin's apparently bottomless stomach growled as he dug into his pack. " Apples, bread, cakes? Salt meat, dried fruit and honey?"  
  
Gandalf eyed the excited hobbit, appraising his numerous if shallow wounds. " A little cake would suit me well but get you here first, Master Took. There's a scratch or two on you that needs mending."  
  
"Mmmmhhmmem" Pippin responded, his mouth full and overflowing. Merry was looking, annoyed, through the claw marks in the back of his cloak.  
  
"Whew, I'll say that was a close one." He shook his head "An inch closer and I'd have a great dirty hole in my back. Blast and be bother those Orcs, this is my only wrap. Hope it doesn't decide to rain."  
  
He looked at the sky quickly, half expecting to see storm clouds gathering for a deluge. The sky showed no sign of cloud and remained brilliantly blue.  
  
Sam took up the edge of the cloak, fingering the jagged edge of the rent in the coarse fabric. He examined it closely before declaring it could be patched easily. He busied himself, rummaging in his pack for a skein of thread and an awl.  
  
Amongst the boughs and rustling leaves of the oaks that surrounded them, Voices began to stir.  
  
Gandalf cleaned the largest scratch on Pippin's arm with a clear liquid that stung and brought tears to the hobbit's eyes. He grumbled as Gandalf moved to clean the next deepest wound.  
  
The others settled down for their small picnic. They studied their fallen enemy, the bodies, scattered and the ground blacken and bloody among the trunks of the trees. Many of them had Legolas' arrows between their horrible eyes. Arrows and swords had scarred the lower bark on many of the oaks.  
  
The sun was quite hot on their heads and the air around them started to smell heavily of dead orc.  
  
"Whew, it stinks" Merry exclaimed  
  
. He opened his mouth to suggest that they move a little way away from the carrion when, violently and without warning, the air around them filled with screams.  
  
The five looked at one another in terror.  
  
"The Authors! The evil will once again consume us!" Gandalf dropped Pippin's arm and moved backward slowly.  
  
Gandalfhadalwayknownhewasdifferentfromtheotherwizards.Wanthereallywantedwast osettledown.  
  
Samsankontooneknee.FrodowatchedhimwithtearsinhiseyesasSampulledaboxoutofhisp ocket.  
  
MerryandPippinfellinthedirtyreadytomakewildmonkeyloveinfrontofeveryone.  
  
The screaming faded to a dull throbbing chant.  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at one another and groaned. In silent agreement, they each turned and ran in the opposite direction of the other. Pippin was barreling towards the thicker woods, in the direction that Strider and the others had taken, when all at once he went flying head long into the large bushes in front of him. He lay in them a moment, dazed, watching Merry tear through the underbrush.  
  
Pippin slowly recovered his feet, dusting the leaves from his tangled hair. He shook his head to clear it of the spinning. His eyes rested on the obstacle that had sent him into the shrub. Pippin surveyed with some amusement, a good deal of fear and not a little nausea the scene that was playing out slightly to his right.  
  
"Sam! Oh Sam. I never expected this! I don't know what to say." Frodo's eyes were huge with emotion and he seemed to be fighting tears.  
  
Sam was on bended knee in front of his Master, clutching Frodo's hand. " Mr. Frodo, I love you more than life itself. More than mushrooms! I need you, I want you, all you have to say is 'yes' and you'll make me the happiest hobbit that ever lived."  
  
Frodo pulled Sam to his feet, looked him deep in the eye and howled, "Yes, of course the answer is 'Yes' Sam, my dearest. Of course I'll marry you!"  
  
Sam threw his arms around Frodo, who in turn burst into tears. Then, getting back on his knee, Sam slipped a ring on to his Master's finger. The ring was, in fact, the one the Ring to rule them all, the one ring to find them and in the darkness bind them, the most awful and evil power in Middle Earth.  
  
Pippin's eyes grew wide as Frodo disappeared. He was certain that of all the sinister and despicable roles the ring had played through the ages, this, reduced to an engagement ring, topped them all. Sauron would probably curl up and die if he knew that his precious creation was now very close to becoming a hobbit's wedding band.  
  
Sam looked rather surprised that his love had disappeared and was presently running in circles trying to locate his "fiancée". Pippin shook his head and considered returning to his original plan. Running off like a madman into a wood that was most likely crawling with murderous Orcs was looking more and more like a safest thing he could possibly do, given the current situation.  
  
With any luck they'd kill him before he was forced to throw the bridal shower. Pippin's mind was made up by the next, highly disturbing, thought: " Who was the bride? Who would wear the pants in THAT relationship?" He was damned if he was going to stick around to find out. The Took turned toward the East.  
  
Pippin shuttered, then started to walk and at the same time Frodo reappeared just behind him.  
  
Sam hurdled himself at Frodo and wrapped his future "life partner" in another tight hug.  
  
"Cuddle muffin! I was worried. There is SO much to plan! Should the reception be buffet or a sit down dinner?"  
  
Frodo smiled dreamily over Sam's head at Pippin "Cousin? What do you think of a lavender gown? With silver flowers embroidered up the sleeves and what do you think of pink lilies for my bouquet?"  
  
Frodo sighed, " This is the most wonderful day of my life. Oh Pippin?"  
  
Pippin, who had resumed sneaking further into the forest, froze. Foiled, he turned around reluctantly  
  
"Yes, Frodo?"  
  
"Pippin, would you do Sam and I the service of being my maid of honor? I was thinking Boromir could give me away and Aragorn could perform the ceremony, he's going to be a king so it'll be legal and Legolas can be the flower girl, he would look smashing in lavender and Gimli could be an usher. Perhaps Merry would be the best man? What do you think? Where is Merry, anyway?"  
  
Merry had escaped and was nowhere to be seen. Pippin was sure he'd never been more jealous of anyone in his life.  
  
The Voices were still palpable in the air.  
  
Sam looked around " Snookums? When do you want to do this? The wedding, I mean, before or after we get to Mordor, Sugar Lips? Cause whatever you what that's what we'll do, Bunny Balls"  
  
Frodo smiled " I was thinking in about twenty minutes? How's that, Love Butt? I'm pretty sure you have to reserve about a year in advance to get the Doom Room at Sauron's place and I can't wait that long, Smoochy Feet." Frodo paused to dry his eyes on Pippin's sleeve.  
  
"Now, Pippin if you would be so good as to go look for some flowers for my bouquet, lilies if you can get them. Sam and I will freshen up and by the time the others find their way back we'll be just about set."  
  
Pippin rolled his eyes "Lilies?!?" and began to edge once more toward the deepening woods. He turned to make a break for it but never got the opportunity for, out of the brush, appeared the others.  
  
Out of the surrounding bush appeared THREE of the others: Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli. Pippin was puzzled; where was Legolas? And what was that buddle that Gimli was half dragging?  
  
Pippin took a closer look and got an answer to both questions.  
  
"What in the name of Eru happened to Legolas?!?"  
  
Next time. Be there or be square!  
  
A/N: Thanks again for the feedback. It motivates me. Sorry, no, characters will NOT stop popping out of nowhere to get harassed. How on earth do you expect me to put in Elven cameos? What kind of story doesn't have cameos?;) This intended "plot hole" lets me abuse SO many more characters and, really, isn't that why we're all here? However, do watch for bikini waxes for the boys cuz' that's just funny. If you have any other suggestions email me at souLESSgrrrl@hotmail.com. I'd be more than happy to take challenges or use suggested situations.  
  
Shiny, happy people review, Trolls don't! 


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